angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
Hi, welcome to the ANGELCITY O:)
Population: 1m souls kindred since 20.9.01

Angelic epigraphs:

"Bury the history, stretch our broken wings
Don't let our chances turn to regret"
—"The Best Days We Used To Have," The Marshmallow Kisses

"Though they change and burn and sink
I dare not try to break the promises at all
Say it sucks and rots and stinks
It's not some homework just for hand in, after all"
—"My Dear Giant," The Marshmallow Kisses

"Perfection is just an illusion and a punishment of love"
—"ICARUS 3REESTYLE," Bladee

"All the beautiful girls
They mean nothing to me
And all the beautiful boys
You know I can't even see them
Because my heart is so pure
So pure it could float"
—"Encore - Friday Night," Will Butler

"When you are near me, my heart skips a beat
I can hardly stand on my own two feet
Because I love you, I love you, I do
Angel baby, my angel baby
Oh, I love you, oh I do
No one could love you like I do"
—"エンジェル ベイビー," Jun Togawa

"I can't love you the way he does
I can only love you more"
—"I Love You More," The Softies

MY PURPOSE is to reveal my thoughts to you, as well as my feelings, and impressions of things.
Most people would love to feel understood, including me.
I hope other angels who visit can recognize themselves occasionally in something I have written.
If that were to happen, it would make me extremely happy.

Thank you for visiting, I hope you have a nice stay <333

...from dusk to foggy morning.
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
I don't know where the core of my character is. I used to spend a lot of time trying to be smart, to do things which would make me see myself as smart. But I don't really care for that feeling anymore — I don't want to impress anybody like that. It can feel strange when you leave behind things that used to be such a big part of you. To think I can never care about that like I once did, is kind of sad, even if I think I am being more true to myself now.

Nowadays I spend a lot of time thinking about my favorite things: The Digimon Movie, the films of Wong Kar-Wei, the novels of Haruki Murakami, Homestuck, Twee Pop, Jeventio (the Jevil x Dimentio crackship), certain forms of fashion. While I truly see something worthwhile in everything I have listed, it seems kind of silly for that to be the core of my identity. It just feels like a bunch of things, like if I staked my identity on Coca Cola and chia pets. Yesterday my friend said to me, "people seem to define themselves increasingly by minutiae." I don't know how problematic that really is, though it can produce a feeling of general offline loneliness when you can't find people who are hyperfixating on the same topics as you. Still, I really like getting obsessed with art/media, and when others are too, from hobbyists to academics. There was this quote I read in highschool from some scientist that when you love something, it is very easy to pay attention to it. So I think paying close attention to something — appreciating its small details (which is what minutiae are, really, when you take out the negative connotation) — feels like a good thing to me. Feels like love.

But I also think sometimes I can lose myself in the turbulence of my affections, toward people or toward art/media. That turbulence can be dizzying: like a tornado it can pick me up and set me down somewhere else, leaving me all turned around and confused. So while the things we love might say something about us, in the psychoanalytic sense of providing an insight into our unconscious, they can also be a way that we forget about ourselves, and outsource our selfexpression to someone else, or somewhere else (meaning, a fictional world).

Okay, now I will talk about the more "real things": the more unadulterated experiences I love: missing and longing for those I care about, the warmth of being among friends and saying my feelings to them, the feeling I get when I eat a really tasty meal. But by themselves, these experiences are not enough either. In each of these things, I can see a distinct part of myself, but something is missing.

So maybe I feel artistic, because the core of my character feels like its somewhere DancingInBetween all the things I love the most. It's something that I can feel, and sometimes see, DancingInBetween everything I love and want to show the world. Pinning a word on something like that is hard: I don't think there is a readymade word to describe such a thing.
Anyway, maybe the problem of locating one's character is general, and the domain of the human soul is just too expansive for a survey of its borders to be carried out.








Feeling: curious
Wondering: What little bugs crawl under the rock of my affections?

P.S.: This post was inspired by a post made by backtolife on hatenablog. You can check out his writing here!
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
When I was in kindergarten, I would often get my card pulled, usually for talking with my friend Hannah, or laughing too much. There was no real consequence for this except that other students could see the yellow card under my name, where formerly a green card hung. For the extra fun I got to have, that seemed like a pretty good trade to me.
Today I miss kindergarten. If I made mistakes, it was okay. All I had to do was get through the school year and everyone would be extraordinarily happy with me. It felt like people were really proud of me.
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
When I was a kid my parents forced me to do one of the group kid activities at the rec center each summer. I guess the idea was that I needed exercise, and to socialize with other kids? I had a couple school friends but I didn't really see much of them in the summer. With an air of indifference and pre-emptive boredom I chose to attend tennis camp. This was 2nd grade.
Anyway, during my time there, I made a friend whose name I have since forgotten. She was tall (or taller than me at the time by around half a foot probably), lanky but not slight, and naturally tan. Her face at once emanated a warm goodnaturedness and dry humor. Her hair was straight, black, and worn in a ponytail. She was a couple years older than me, in 4th grade, but she was the closest person I had to a friend in that place; we would spend our lunches together, I think. I remember pouring our sodas's leftovers into the giant trees outside the tennis courts, imagining it could turn their bark different colors if we did it every day to the same couple trees. The trees never did change hue, of course; we couldn't change the world.
One day at lunchtime she told me she had to clean off her glass eye. I had never noticed anything different about her eye the whole time I knew her, nor had I ever heard of such a thing as a glass eye existing. Another of the few things I remember was being made fun of, and her standing up for me. After she told the guy off, he didn't bother me again, and I felt a kind of adoration and admiration toward her. I don't think anyone else ever stood up for me after that. Not when I got called the f slur in elementary or middle school, not when I got slammed up against lockers in front of passersby and acquaintances waiting for the class we were all in, nor when I got kicked out of nowhere and fell on the ground crying in front of my friends.
No, that was the one time someone stood up for me — at least until relatively recently, but that's another story. Did she realize I could never forget something like that? If she hadn't intervened — without giving me that molecule of hope — would I have become a bleaker person?
I wish I knew more about what our friendship was like. What was it based on: what did we talk about? But try as I might I can hardly remember anything: so much of those memories have turned to a thick mud.
Well that was 2005, now it's 2022. We who were once 7 and 9 are 24 and 26. Lately I have wondered many times what became of her. What kind of career does she have? Is her life full of friends? Or perhaps she had many friends in highschool and college, but moved to a new city once she began working, and has had trouble making new ones. To be honest I wish we could be friends still.
The other day I randomly saw a girl I had seen around the RateYourMusic Indie Pop/Twee Pop community make a post about her glass eye, and I felt really excited at the prospect that it could be the same person, but it turned out it wasn't. Though I have no way of getting in touch with her, still I wonder if I will ever be able to reconnect with the girl with the glass eye that I once considered my friend. And if I could, would she remember me?

"There's ghosts in your mind
Saying everything great
Everything's fine
Hey, hey, girl
Hey, hey girl..."
—Rocketship
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
Stolen from sorrowfulsonata who stole it from grenadinecatgirl, apparently


VAMPIRE
[X] You'd Rather Be Pale Than Tan.
[ ] You Like To Eat Or Drink Red Things.
[ ] You're Lustful/Sexual.
[ ] When You're Kissing Someone, You Tend To Bite Them.
[ ] You're Dark, Mysterious, And Seductive.
[X] You've Tasted Your Own Blood Before And Liked It.
[ ] Being Out In The Sun Too Long Makes You Feel Weak.
[ ] You're graceful, lithe, and can appear threatening or dangerous to others.
[X] You have incredible charm and can get people to do nearly anything.
[X] You're more active at night

Total: 4

I like vampire teeth too OWO


INCUBUS/SUCCUBUS
[ ] You're Incredibly Lustful/Sexual.
[ ] Sex Is Almost Always On Your Mind.
[ ] You Could Make Someone Completely In Love With You By Merely Kissing Them.
[ ] You're Not A Virgin.
[ ] You Burn Through Lovers Quickly.
[ ] You Can Make Love With Someone And Drop Them In The Same Breath.
[ ] If You Don't "Feed" Your Lust, You Go Insane.
[ ] You Have Strong/Long Nails.
[ ] You Could Get Nearly Anyone You Want.

Total: 0

0_0
I um...

WEREWOLF
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[ ] You're incredibly physically strong and fast.
[X] You Love The Moon.
[X] You're Very Loyal.
[ ] If You Love Someone, You'll Do Whatever You Possibly Can To Protect Them.
[ ] You Would Go On A Devastated Rampage Should Your Loved Ones Be Harmed.
[ ] You Like Dogs.
[ ] You're fairly Sturdy in stature.
[ ] You're Either A Good Leader Or A Solitary Person.
[ ] You Have A Hard Time Controlling Yourself Half Of The Time.

Total: 2

being a werewolf would suck this ones the worst. also twilight > ginger snaps , sorry

NEKO(Cat-Person)/WERECAT
[X] You Like Cats.
[ ] You're lithe and agile.
[ ] You could fall off of anything and always land on your feet.
[X] You Like Gymnastics.
[X] You Love To Eat Seafood.
[X] You're Affectionate And Cozy.
[ ] If Someone Is Able To Sneak Up On You And Startle You, You Jump Up Or Swat At Them.
[X] You Like Yarn.
[X] You Like Chasing Things.
[ ] You're An Excellent Hunter/Fighter.

Total: 6

*nyan cat plays ominously in the distance*

ZOMBIE
[ ] You're An Outcast.
[ ] You Feel As If You're Not Truly Alive. (Schizophrenia!)
[ ] You'll Moan When You're Hurt Rather Than Scream Or Cry
[X] You Tend To Zone Out.
[ ] You Don't Feel Very Smart.
[ ] You Like Worms.
[ ] You Like Taking Things Slowly.
[ ] You Like Odd Foods.
[ ] You Prefer To Suffer In Silence.
[ ] You Don't Get Much Sleep.

Total: 1

alright zombie is probably the one i want the least so im feeling pretty good about this

SPIRIT/GHOST
[ ] You're Invisible.
[ ] You Have An Oddly Eerie Presence.
[ ] You Can Send Chills Down A Person's Spine Just By Looking At Them.
[X] You Have Messy Hair That Is Partially/Completely In Your Face.
[X] You're Incredibly Gentle.
[X] You're Very Shy Around Someone You Find Attractive
[ ] You Tend To Simply Disappear When no One's Looking.
[X] You Enjoy Scaring People.
[X] You Like The Indoors.
[X] You Are Deeply Connected To The Ones You Love No Matter What Happens.

Total: 6

Oh sh*t im probably gonna haunt some ppl when i die... and i just realized my older username was haunt.. should we just call it right here?


GHOUL
[ ] You Will Eat Just About Anything.
[ ] You Like To Attack People Verbally Or Physically.
[ ] You Are Thrilled If You Can Make Someone Bleed.
[ ] You Wouldn't Care If You Hurt Someone As Long As You Can Get What You Want From Them.
[ ] You Like Stalking People.
[ ] You Find It Fun To Crawl Into Tight, Small, Cramped, Dirty Spaces.
[ ] You Get Hungry Easily.
[ ] You Like Torture.
[ ] You live to hurt people.
[ ] You Like The Idea Of Being Insane.

Total: 0

oh my god what !? ghouls dni


WITCH
[ ] You're Into Wicca/Paganism.
[X] You Like Magical Objects.
[X] You Believe In Magic.
[X] You Perform Odd Rituals On A Daily Basis.
[ ] People Find You Intolerably Cruel.
[ ] You enjoy manipulating people.
[ ] You Feel Deeply In Touch With Nature And Hate Industrialization.
[ ] You Love Black Cats/Ravens.
[ ] You Practice Voodoo
[ ] You Tend To Laugh Hysterically While Picking Up On Someone You Find Attractive.

Total: 3

3/10 ? oops, that wasn't very gothboicliiiiique of me..... >_>


SHAPE-SHIFTER
[ ] You Have Different Personalities.
[X] Your Style Could Change From Goth To Preppy In The Same Second.
[ ] You Have More Than One Lover.
[X] You're Unpredictable. (Aren't we all? We're just people, after all.)
[ ] You Would Change Yourself Entirely To Fit In.
[X] You Are Fond Of Many Different Things.
[X] You Can Easily Get Out Of Trouble By Changing Your Demeanor.
[ ] You often say one thing and mean another.
[X] You Like To Leave Your Clothes On The Floor After Taking Them Off.

Total: 5

i don't see what me being messy has to do with shapeshiftery things but ok


DEMON
[ ] You Have A Very Bad Temper.
[ ] You're Usually Angry.
[ ] You Have To Make Other People Miserable With Every Breath That You Take.
[ ] You Worship Satan.
[X] You like pentagrams.
[X] You love to mess with people's heads.
[ ] You Could Do Just About Anything Bad To Someone And Feel Proud.
[ ] You Laugh When Other People Are Hurt.
[ ] Physically Harming Someone Turns You On.
[ ] You Respond To An Insult By Viciously Attacking The Other Person.

Total: 2

>///<


ANGEL
[X] You're A Very Good Person.
[ ] You Take Care With Everything You Do.
[X] You Can Be Extremely Serious.
[X] You're Gentle And Kind To Even Your Worst Enemies.
[X] You Cannot Hold A Grudge Against Anyone.
[X] You Would Gladly Endure Anything For The Sake Of The Ones You Love.
[1/2] You're A Virgin/Have Never Kissed Anyone Apart From Family.
[X] People See You As Being Very Pure
[ ] You Are Obedient And Follow Rules Without Question.
[ ] You Love God.

Total: 6.5

0:))) :333

Fairy/Elf
[X] You Enchant People.
[ ] You Like Organic Things.
[X] You're Almost Always Smiling.
[X] You Love The World Around You.
[X] You Get Attached To Animals Easily.
[ ] You're A Walking-Talking Chick-Flick/Prince-Charming.
[X] You Fall In Love Easily.
[X] You Don't HATE Anyone.
[X] You Have A Very Bright/Bubbly/Friendly Personality.
[X] You like long hair

Total: 8

im a fxcking fairy... just gonna pretend that isn't a slur /j

_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_,.-*^*-.,_

Okay so my results are:
1. Fairy/Elf
2. Angel
3. TIE! Neko & Spirit / Ghost

guess I'll have to change my url to fairyelfcity now X333

Current Mood: ᖭི༏ᖫྀ
but if i can use .jpgs i feel like this iconic pixl8ed shawty:


Tippi from SPM ! <3
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
Sitting at my apartment alone tonight. M. has been sick for the last 2 weeks ):
She went to stay with her parents for the weekend since she's so sick.
I've been listening to the New Order singles album with "Thieves Like Us" as the a-side and "Lonesome Tonight" as the b-side. Those songs are amazing and sum up how I'm feeling I suppose. I've been spending some time trying to write but it's not coming out easily. I've collaborated for so long I'm finding writing without someone to bounce ideas off of to be kind of difficult. Still, I'm throwing the words at the wall anyway. The only cure for inexperience is experience after all.
I hope everyone else is having a nicer Saturday than I am. Not that mine is particularly bad, but it's not great either.
I'm only 40 minutes away from my hometown but I'm feeling a little homesick. Ever since J. moved to Colorado I haven't seen L. We keep saying we'll see each other, and then it never happens. I wonder if we were only ever meant to be friends when there was a third person there with us. Maybe we don't have what it takes to hang out alone.
One problem is, whenever I really want to hang out is when it's late at night, like right now. But when that's the case, I don't have anyone who wants to just impulsively do something with me (irl, to be sure). I had a friend like that once, but she's gone now, and I've never found anyone with that same quality since. I mean, I have others I can ask, but no one who is so consistently up for it. Lots of people go to sleep early these days, too — but not me. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining: there are some pleasures to feeling lonely at night. Listen to that record I mentioned and maybe you'll know what I mean :)

—Ivy
angelcity: lowpoly animal in bus (Default)
Suddenly I'm not lonely anymore after an extended period of acute, daily loneliness
Now I just listen to Regina Spektor, My Little Airport, The Marshmallow Kisses, The Field Mice... I work on poems, practice singing, redecorate my room, self-care...
Even the people I want the most to talk to me, who I regularly fantasize about having deeper friendships with than I actually do, I find it hard to muster the energy to respond to their messages sometimes
I just feel like it's a lot of work to socialize, cos I really wanna make my friends happy or something. I never resent when those people message me, though :)

As for how my loneliness has healed, I think there's a few things
1. I had enough good convos with people to allow me to believe in myself aka my ability to make friends
2. I have a slightly bigger circle of friends that I feel I can connect with
And 3., maybe most importantly, I saw a girl I looked up to act socially awkward, having no one to talk to.
Then I guess it clicked that I don't need friends in order to be real, if that makes sense
Like, I started reflecting, How much do I rely on others just to feel approval? When I put to words that I might have been doing that, then I quickly became more... self-contained, I guess? Now I feel less like I need to socialize, and more like I can when I want to

"I hope you can see what I can see.
I hope you can hear what I can hear.
I hope you can feel what I can feel.
I hope you believe what I believe."
—Leo Are You Still Jumping Out of Windows in Expensive Clothes?

"Because I'm shallow, okay! I want them to like me."
—Bug-Infested Floorboards--Can We Just Leave This Place, Now


I still resonate with these feelings, these desires, but I guess I'm trying to actually change the things I don't like about myself as opposed to seeking approval. Get to the point where I like myself enough to rely on others less for my self-esteem. I still love to be with others, but I feel like it's time to (im)prove myself. Accordingly, I turned down a friend to hang out today and that had been something I was struggling with doing, so I'm proud of myself for that

I really want to have masterful control over my voice like Regina Spektor. Like I was listening to "Fidelity" and "Samson" and her voice was gutwrenchingly, achingly, expressive. The last time music had made me feel so strongly was the slide guitar in "Bug-Infested Floorboards--Can We Just Leave This Place, Now" by BLA.

Well this post has been all over the place, but I'm not that used to blogging, so I'm not gonna be too hard on myself lol
Gn everyone :>

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